Second entry! Alot and nothing has happened since my last entry. I have alot of thoughts and ideas on how to improve this website of mine, so I might start on that after I end this journal page or maybe tomorrow. I should write a list of my ideas. My current sorta problem is I like doing this work and exercising and stuff when I wake up in the morning(ish, more like 10 AM :p) but if Im writing an entry for the current day that early, nothing has really happened yet. Sooo, maybe I'll catch up everyone tomorrow on everything that happened today and talk about the 27th? Nothing much happened yesterday, kept myself busy, brushed my teeth and need my exercises. I accidentally took a 2 hour nap at 8pm and was up all night lol ;-;. While I might make a different page for this in the future, I wanted to explain why im in such a sorry state and working myself back to get to hope. In 2023 I graduated high school and my folks sold their house and left the state we lived in to go live next to my mother's christian cult church. There was no choice in my mind, I was not moving with them. I had just gotten rejected from the Royal Danish Academy of Music, I had practiced all year and I wasn't good enough. In 2024 I was accepted into a state college where I lived for fall of 2024. I went excited, but not being medicated for my adhd and being out for schooling for so long fucked me hard. I'm surprised they let me come back for 2025. The only reason I went back even though I had done so bad was because in may of 25 I was put back on adderall for my adhd and being on the pill again... I could do everything again, It felt like crystal clear skies ahead of me. At the start of August after I had finished my production of Fiddler on the Roof I was in for the summer, I had a extremely bad reaction to my medicine which made my mental state extremely unstable. I wont go into details without any trigger warnings present on my page. I had to stop my meds cold turkey. But when I went back to school in late august, I went to our student health services to get a less brutal medication to help. Long story short I was assigned 2 diffrrent adhd meds and I had a brutal reaction again to the first one and then refused to fill the prescription for the 2nd one out of fear. This resulted in me suffering from recovering from med withdrawls for my entire fall 25 semester + still being awful at doing assignments. At a certain point, I just decided fuck it! Stopped going to most my classes. Didn't help my voice professor who I had lessons with and who I told about my problems treated me like shit despite the fact he KNEW what was going on, to an extent. In the backdrop of all this, I was on academic probation and bc no meds! I never got around appealing it so I could get my FAFSA aid, and I didnt have enough money to pay for that semester of college. I have not paid tuition to this day, and the bill contiunes to grow. I've been applying for jobs since december with no dice. Because of everything I went through, my spirit and hope and dreams... They all seemed crushed. Somewhere along the way I became a bitter woman who didn't believe in anything except a feeling that everything gets worse. The wick was widdled down to the bitterest part of myself. It was hard to see how anything would get better when life just fucks me over over over over over again again again again again. I still struggle with that. I feel like im lying to myself if I say im good at anything, or that things will get better. But! A few days ago before I found Neocities I finished a...confusing game called Z.A.T.O. I Love the World and Everything in it. Confusing in the best way. And the main character... She's so delusional. She refuses to see the things around her as shitty. She refuses to see how she is getting bullied. She's delusional. I won't spoil alot because the game is free, you can play it. But, basically, I guess the point of the game was you affect (effect?) the world around you. Even if temporarily. And if you love those things, you are loving parts of yourself. Because you are the product of the universe. I guess. I dunno. Then I saw a website about the indieweb, and I started scrolling and well... the rest is history. So, this is my journey to hope. To believe again. One step at a time, one reclaimed habit at a time. I'll find out who I am and reclaim my hopes and dreams! Until then, I hope you stay with me for the journey, my fellow wayfarers, for each step and misstep along the way. :3
I MADE A JOURNAL PAGE!!! :D honestly the more I learn about HTML the more all this might be scrapped! I'm thinking about doing an entrance page next and scrapping whats on my current 1st page orrr maybe moving it to an about me and expanding/rewriting it! Then I could do an interests page too where I can go into detail on my many many many many different interests. But, today I just wanted to get the journal thing running and then get it linked to the main page. I think I don't like how this journal page is being formatted either. Shouldnt the newest entries be on the top and oldest on the bottom?? Not sure how to code that! Future Cathy problems!!! HTML is really easy, so apart of my journey to hope right now is just create consistency, creating habits to do everyday instead of just bed and couch rotting all day waiting to get a job. (yes im unemployed :[ ) So, in progress to that, everyday im hoping to work on this website, brush my teeth 2 times a day, and doing my small exercises and strenches so im not just rotting away. I know these thing might sound patheic, and you can make fun of me if you like! But, I've been deeply depressed. My life has been off the tracks and into a pit of doom and fire for months and this website is called girl finds hope for a reason. I'm going to detail my journey to hope and being better one blog at a time! After I establish these habits I hope I have a job and can establish showering and shaving more like I want to!! ...like I said, patheic I know but not everyone starts being better! Some of us have to crawl our way there!! Todays the second day of working on this website and of doing exercises, but i've been brushing my teeth again for a week or 2 now! Its basically already a habit I just gotta do it twice a day! I know all these things makes me seem like the worst kind of smelly femcel trans woman, but like I said, this is going to be a brutally honest jorunal/blog about whats happening in my day to day and how im improving! A month or 2 from now, anyone who reads this will be able to see how far I've come from this first post. So, to anyone who reads this, thank you for reading my first post and look forward to hearing about how much I'm improving!!!! :3